Hey friends, I took a while off writing anything that was for the public because the truth is I got really lost for a bit there. Looking back on my last blog entry is crazy because I thought I was really solving some shit, didn’t I? I wouldn’t say I wasn’t but I was at the very beginning of an ongoing battle with my personal demons. It has been a full year and some time since my last post and again a lot has changed. I want to say that I am constantly learning how little I actually know.
I am still with my therapist that I started seeing at the end of 2022. This is the best therapist I have ever had and I am so lucky to have found someone I can connect with. I was diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease last January. Surprise, Surprise! I was mad because I went off accutane two years prior and after many blood panels, my doctor finally ordered an ultrasound of my liver.
“It’s pretty fatty, I don’t know,” my doctor said over the phone.
“So, is this a NAFLD diagnosis?” I asked.
“Yes, I would say so.” She stated.
She then got me in with one of the worst doctors I have ever been seen by. It was a hepatologist zoom meeting. When I entered the zoom meeting the first thing he asked was, “have you been overweight your entire life?” Then he concluded that what I needed to do was “very easy” and just lose a pound a week otherwise I could die and if I can't do that, then I can think about surgery down the line. I was pissed.
I decided to quit drinking that day. I told my doctors and they all said, “Oh, you can still drink. Fatty liver is just diet and exercise!” Then once I had quit drinking, my liver enzymes went down drastically and my liver finally started to heal. A few months later at another panel my doctors suddenly said to keep not drinking. Now, that they saw it was maybe helping? Another doctor had a counter argument that I had been changing a lot of other habits probably so it couldn’t just be the drinking. Love, how they assume a lot because I haven’t changed anything besides that and I don’t think I have lost any weight but I have been working out still exactly how I was, and eating as healthy as I can but nothing crazy. My days of yo-yo dieting are behind me so no drastic changes in diet.
I understand the liver filters in different areas but everything I have read about drinking also made me wonder what would happen if I quit drinking so I tried that! Fast forward to a month ago I had another ultrasound and my doctor said that my liver looks completely healed and there are no signs of NAFLD anymore. It is wild being a fat person in America, I will tell you that much. I also found out later that I am genetically predisposed to NAFLD.
Ever since I read the book, Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker, it has really stayed with me to be honest. All the science she talks about ruined alcohol for me and I think it took me a while to really let it sink in that it wasn’t helping me in any way. From when I read that book and wrote about it to now it was always in the back of my head when I would indulge in drinking again. Whether it was the hangovers or the heightened emotions after a couple drinks, shit just changed for me over time. I started to wonder if my liver was still suffering from the damages of accutane and then continuing to drink was just pouring salt on a wound after getting off the drug but apparently that is just nonsense according to all these doctors.
I was not in a good place a little over a year ago, and when you are upset drinking is like adding gasoline to a fire. Every time I would drink my mind would just go straight into a depression and then crazy anxiety the next day. I learned that when you drink it changes the levels of serotonin in your brain, and there is an influx of GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid), which causes people to feel calm but once the alcohol leaves the body there is a withdrawal symptom thus creating lots more of anxiety.
Alcohol is similar to xanax in which your body starts to replace its natural ways of coping with anxiety, with the need to self-medicate. This teaches your brain that you cannot handle anxiety-inducing situations and it actually increases the amount of anxiety and stress in your life. I also read that the only way to teach your body to cope with anxiety is to go through it. What a beautiful truth. So, I took that plunge and dived deeper into my healing.
2022-2023 were also the years I came close to quitting comedy. The surge of having to focus on your online presence gutted me because socials already made me feel depressed. I have never got off a social app and thought to myself, “wow, that was such a nice little scroll. I feel so good now.” As a comedian and an artist it is really discouraging having to focus on views when it comes to the content that you’re putting out. When I started comedy, it was taboo to post anything online, and now comedy has done a complete 180.
There are lots of positives here however. Creators can burn their own path now without gatekeepers in a lot of ways. But if you’re like me and your content talks a lot about topics that are considered R-rated for social media you will get flagged or silenced a lot. I was so frustrated because all my videos would get flagged for the content whether it was talking about sexual health, abortion, human rights, or a painting with some titties in it. All of it gets tossed into the void.
It feels like nothing carried over from before the pandemic in terms of credits. I also personally feel as though, there are some decent acts on all the streaming services, there’s also a lot of garbage comedy being put out now. It really sucks working years and years to perfect a craft and then suddenly someone two years into making comedy content goes viral for a silly video and now they are selling out venues. Good for them, but also what was the point of all the time I spent working on performing and networking?
It also feels like if you aren’t what the apps want to be talking about you just go into the void now. I talk to comedians of all levels and they all feel like their brains melt when they sign onto instagram. Even people doing well feel insecure because they feel they are gaining followers for how they look and not their content but… lol I don’t know what THAT is like but I also do kind of miss the days that an audience was your only way to tell if you are good. I even get trolls now that say they think I am using a laugh track or PAID ACTORS to laugh at me. Is it that hard to just accept that a woman can crush? I am so flattered y’all think I have that budget for all that extra shit.
There’s nothing like being on stage, it is my favorite thing in the world aside from painting and fucking but there is so much bullshit that goes with the spices of life. And everything I just said was just the online part of my life and job, now.
I also want to get into a more personal part of my life here. I have always had a big, open heart and have had a hard time differentiating who is genuine and who is using me. Sometimes it feels like one really should look at a lot of other people in the industry as just coworkers. It is confusing to someone with a tender heart because one of the reasons I loved comedy especially when I had started was the community.
I think a lot of comedy scenes have gotten increasingly more clicky because now, we are working on an online persona. People are focusing on their next post rather than actually getting to know each other. Comics rarely ever watch each other at shows anymore, everything has moved online. It is very isolating and especially now that I am the only woman on a show a lot of the time for me. To the handful of people out there that book more than one woman or really any minority, thank you. This seems to be crazy for some people to get but people feel more comfortable in the green room when they have someone like them in there and in the audience.
Social media has really done a number on everyone, not just in comedy. When there is a lack of real human moments there is a lack of empathy. I gave up on one of my closest friendships in comedy last year and I never saw that coming. As the years went along it was amazing growing together but all good things come to an end and people change.
I have always tried to lift up other people in the scene when I can, I booked this person to headline for some of their first shows even when they said they weren’t ready. I took them on the road with me when I got offered one of my first headline gigs out of town, and I stuck up for them when they did stuff that other people judged them for. I even tried to bail them out of jail when they got arrested.
I started to notice they weren’t booking me until I asked if they were going to, this is months after they started it. They brushed it off as it being hard to book a show with multiple hosts but I see men do it all the time, in fact I rarely see guys book people they don’t like. It was strange to me because we also aren’t in a scene like NYC or LA. I guess I am naive to think you book your people but I just see lots of other people do it and it is fine to have favorites, booking is also a business but that is also why you should give back to the friends that helped you when you were still finding a voice. This person was also canceling plans and then I would see them be in other friend’s IG stories and they started leaving me on read. You can feel when a friendship changes.
I was lucky to have a therapist to encourage me to stick up for myself and call out the behavior but when I did I will always remember that person said, “remind me, if I do this again.” Maybe I’m crazy but I feel like getting feedback means you try to take it and do better the next time. Another thing they said to me once when I had a falling out with another comic was, “that’s why I never get close to anyone.” It made me sad because what is life without a little vulnerability but then it also made me think I could easily be *anyone*
Right around the same time I lost another long-term buddy that I was close with since college. They went into some sort of state of mania last year and they cut me out of their lives eventually. I spent a lot of time trying to convince them to go get impatient care but some people just do not believe in therapy and you can’t convince them otherwise. I also know that it must be so crazy to be in such a state and everyone is telling you what to do. It must have been terrifying for them and I wish we had better and less stigmatized mental health resources for people.
It makes me so sad because therapy is so needed to get through major trauma. This person poured into me so hard and over time I realized that I do not have the capacity to help this person in the ways they needed but I still tried so hard. I went to visit them, I invited them to come see me, reconnected them with old friends and it just felt like the mania took over and it was harder and harder to understand what they were saying.
They suddenly went missing and after a month I finally reached out to their family to see if they had heard from them. I just wanted to make sure they were okay because I really thought they had died. Once I had reached out to their family, everything sounded a lot worse than I ever even knew from their family’s point of view. It was really devastating news and I still gave their family my number to give to them.
Eventually, they did reach out to me acting like nothing happened and they were already over everything traumatic they were going through. This was insane considering the thoughts they were having but I was so scared they would cut me out that I tried so hard to be comforting. It was one of the most painful times in my life trying to just get through to someone so lost.
Finally, at one point they confronted me for contacting their family when they were missing and they were angry about it so they cut me out anyway. That is so fair but I still think about them and miss them. I hope one day they do get the help they need even if it means they will never talk to me again. I know they weren’t in a stable mind but again this just added to the depression and self doubt even more.
There were also people I would meet over the years that would seek me out because of comedy and say they are a fan and want to be friends and then once we got to know each other I would find out they were just wanting to start comedy and trying to use me as their jump off point. COOL! There are genuine people out there that have asked for my help and if you’re reading this, chances are you’re not this kind of comic, but what I am talking about is, climbers. Climbers are people that quickly become your friend, use you, then move on from you and sometimes they even make you out to be the psycho in this dance.
It is insane to me that these people would blow up my phone sending me jokes they wrote for notes without asking and then when I would see them publicly complaining about being told they should do more open mics because they feel they don’t need to (Being less than a year into comedy) and I try to tell them that mics are an important part that you can’t skip over- then they scold me and unfriend me. Or they just stop talking to me and unfriend me and still say hi in big group events. Good luck getting far in comedy if you can’t take feedback kindly but demand people’s time and energy when it works for you, though. I hate that the most, there are so many people that just want to talk at you instead of with you and the minute you open up a smidge, they’re gone.
All of these changes and truths darkened my mind. I forgot how to act with strangers too. I have had people hit me up to hang out in the last year and I was closed off and anxious. It was just too much change in such a little time and the overall dread in the world is infectious.
Everyone’s brains are melted and they are seeking out ways to get attention in the worst ways. Online bullying is at its all time worst. I know a lot of it is the fact that people are super fucked up from the pandemic and haven’t been socializing in the way we all used to be and it just bugs me. A lot of these people making passive memes and shit without naming names are such cowards and probably would leave everyone behind if the world burned tomorrow anyway.
Everything’s bleaker than it has ever been, I remember thinking to myself, “why would anyone quit comedy!?” Now, that thought crosses my mind all the time. Comedy is harder than it has ever been, there are way more people which is great but it is just chaos lately. The alt-right wave of comedians are also making so many people feel unsafe. Then there are the fake-ass male feminists who say they want to be so inclusive but only if you can benefit them, they want to fuck you or they happen to actually think you are funny. Lots of bros starting shows and booking the same five women/non-cis men… It is insane to me how many all-male line ups are back and just how quickly we continue to hold women to a higher standard in comedy and everything else in the world.
Lots of men will argue that this is false, but look at Kathy Griffin for example. She got straight up CANCELED for FIVE years for sharing a stupid picture of her holding a bloody Trump mask. Do we hate Trump or not? It’s sad that people that run everything support that shit. She lost everything for a silly photo. Meanwhile, Bill Cosby got acquitted, Chris D’elia, a known pedophile, is still touring and allowed on every social media app where there are lots of children. Dave Chappelle is spewing hate speech and getting paid tons of money for it, and I get flagged for saying Abortion on my sad little profile.
So, I am walking away from my people-pleasing tendencies. 2024 is my ten year comedy anniversary! I am done trying to fit in with people that don’t want to work with me. My goal was to try and release a special or album by the time I got to ten years and I am making that happen all on my own. I want to have something to show for and if anything were to happen to me, and it is nice to have a body of work to share with my loved ones.
Due to all the changes in comedy these days also makes me feel like I need to change the way I write and find some kind of loopholes to post content that doesn’t get flagged for being inappropriate. EVEN THOUGH, reproductive health is healthcare and everyone has sex. It is crazy how men can talk about dicks and shit but anything sexual from me is a huge no-no.
Quitting drinking was the one thing last year that kept me going through it all. I realized that chasing that anxiety without alcohol made me connect with my inner child again (so cliche, I know). It is really fun getting on stage and feeling all my emotions and I feel like I have more control.
In therapy, we dove deep into my childhood and past trauma and came to understand why I strived so hard to be everyone’s friend and why I seek approval from strangers.
Growing up, I never fit in, I hated growing up in Dallas, Texas and my parents put a lot of pressure on me to be amazing. Also being put on diets as a youth really messed with my relationship with my body and food for the rest of my life. I constantly wonder day-to-day what it would be like to not think about food and how it will affect my body but thanks to bad societal pressures that are still very much a thing, I will battle that for life.
I reread my journal from high school and was flooded with all the reasons I became who I have been for years. I read a sentence that said I was getting broken up with and it was fine because I intended to be a “really fun party girl” from then on. And, boy, did I!?
It reminded me that before I dated that stupid boy who broke my heart, I came out to my mom as queer when I was thirteen on our way home one day and her response was that she thinks sometimes women are queer because they can’t get a man. Then she asked me if I felt like I couldn’t get a man. I remember blowing up and then we never really touched the subject again for a long time. Funny, how I spent a lot of time proving that getting a man is really easy. It’s finding a good one that is hard.
I tried to date women throughout my early adulthood but I always felt a ton of shame. Getting on the apps and putting myself out there to women and having no response every time was devastating and scary. The truth is after revisiting these memories with my therapist I realized that I am still a pansexual person.
I connected with my thirteen-year old self and remembered I said I think I may be into all kinds of people, not just men. I am attracted to personalities of course. It gave me peace for my lost young self but I do still also wonder what my life would have been like if I just was accepted for being queer and maybe I wouldn’t have thrown myself at stupid boys so often in my youth which was very distracting. Maybe I would have had more confidence in who I am today but c’est la vie.
My therapist and I uncovered a lot last year and I am so lucky to be able to do so. It helped me see that a lot of the anger and resentment I see is being reflected onto me from someone else’s own demons they haven’t processed and to take it all lightly because they are also still learning. My therapist also taught me that my obsession with friendships was because I was never told I was good enough growing up. I wanted to be loved as I was and didn’t think I deserved any of that.
I was able to finally stop trying to help others as a distraction from helping myself, which is so important. Losing all those people that I thought wanted to be my friends was a blessing in disguise. I realized they weren’t actually friends, they were just using me in one way or another to get where they wanted to be. Yes, I got a little closed off for a while but with time I have been able to let in lots of new people in my life while still protecting my heart.
I traveled a lot in 2023 and ran my album in many different cities. I realized how large the world of entertainment really is and how better off you are just being a light for other people. I leaned into the people that actually want to work with me and now I have just recorded my first comedy album and will be a full year off the booze on January 16th.
I now feel more confident than I ever have and it took a lot to get here. I still get sad when I see people that let me down and I have days where I feel like I want to die. Then I remember that I can’t change everything in one lifetime but I can work on making myself a peaceful presence for others to be around. I am raw-dogging those feelings more than I ever was and that is badass.
I am also protecting my tender little heart from the assholes that are always going to be there. I am no longer just being a cool party girl to numb myself out of reality. I am letting go of my ego and wanting to be liked. I know I am already lovable – just not to everyone and that is fine. If giving up on trying to impress everyone and just focusing on myself loses my foot in a door, I am sure another one will open. At least I got my two feet on the ground and I am moving forward.